There was a young lady in my home town I got terribly obsessed with when I was a young man. I thought about her all the time, even wrote some totally insane music for her that I would rehearse endlessly at work. I started out with thoughts of wanting to marry and have a family with her. It turned out to be a cutting of my own wrist with my own hand and a trip to a laughing academy over it.
Even with all that insanity, you would think people would discourage the patient from attempting yet another relationship with someone else. But it was not so. My problem was that everyone around me was an incurable romantic. The liberty I was looking for was nothing but an entirely new search for a relationship. To make matters worse, I was a young man.
People tell me they don’t understand the term, laughing academy. It’s really very simple. A couple of guys get together in the hallway of the ward, say some ridiculous volley of words back and forth, until we’re asking each other whether we’re laughing or crying? The answer to that question is obviously unknown, and has no consequence, anyway you look at it.
The absurdity of the interaction is what makes the whole thing amusing.
On the other hand, the real tragedy of this desperate, constantly considered coupling with this girl from my hometown, is that after several years of wasting space in my own head about this girl, we were no closer to going out than we were at tying the knot. I was in another world, imagining all sorts of things about her, but never did I get my feet on the ground about a flesh and blood individual.
My best buddy and I had a face off, sitting in his van over the idea of this young lady, but even that accomplished nothing. It was embarrassing to me. I was at such loose ends with my finances, I couldn’t afford to feed myself, and said so to my friend in so many words. Next I heard she was engaged to someone else, and that’s just the was it always turns out for me.
Now, I have chronic chemical imbalance in my brain, which is very debilitating. One would think that I had just somehow given up on myself and had no backbone to make a life for myself, neither of which were true. I have a legitimate disability, always have to see doctors, and take medications. It was heart breaking, but I had to let all the ladies go, notwithstanding all my appetites.
She simply went on with her own life after awhile, and had no resistance from me.
I have no sensible rationale for this behavior. All I can refer my reader to is the efficacy of my disability. I was taking some really powerful street drugs at that time, and with the nature of those elicit chemicals of mine, came a confusion and obsession I could not get anywhere near unraveling for a very long time. What became necessary was to establish a long term sobriety.
Sobriety seems to have postponed some of the craving for some of the most desirable effects of the elicit drugs I was abusing, but I managed to get through it prayerfully. I did manage to stay sober when the time came, and didn’t seem to need the various hallucinogens I had a habit for. Why I needed hallucinogenic drugs when I already had a certifiable tendency toward psychosis I don’t know.
My thoughts seem to have calm down after I got some sobriety under my belt, but I could never seem to manage a normal, romantic relationship with anyone. There have always been a lot of people who could not understand that, but it hasn’t been up to them. It’s been up to me. There were other mitigating factors involved, like my abused childhood, for instance.
I didn’t have such a horrific childhood as all that. Childhood was only something to survive. It had it’s challenges, like the father who was an incurable bully, and the times we didn’t seem to have any money to buy food. The biggest challenge was to avoid mimicking my Dad’s violence growing up. I blatantly ignored all the things Dad wanted me to do, just to keep myself passive.
Dad was so obnoxious, and it seemed like all I was doing was asking for more of a beating. Childhood was just so discouraging sometimes. The payoff was realized in my own adulthood, where it counts. Even with all the punishment and embarrassment I had to endure, I never did abuse anyone in anyway. I am not the least bit violent, and that’s where the rubber meets the road, as they say.
It meant I got more beatings, but at least I was being disobedient to my father.
I was, indeed, battling an obsession. It was nothing short of miraculous that I was able to extricate myself from the delusion without going stock raving mad in the process. This thought process took me a long time to get away from, while I was still out at the state hospital, trying desperately to clear my thinking of this artificial hallucinogenic chemical, horse tranquillizer, and so on.
It took me years to know what the stuff was. I had long term sobriety when I knew.
In fact, these days my doctor tells me it’s a shame I gummed up my mind with so many dangerous chemicals. One concoction I smoked for many years was a powerful hallucinogenic. One man who told me this was nothing less than a horse breeder. Of course, that chemical was also hallucinogenic in nature. I smoked it for years before I could stop.
Finally, my Higher Power took my craving away for all that stuff.
I was burdened with a lot of overwhelming sights which had no substance in reality. I kept hoping to go out into nature, to see things as they are. Nonetheless, my perceptions of what I believed were all around me, were not really there at all. I saw what I saw, and nothing could take those sights away from me, until something inexplicable happened to my perceptions.
At least the hallucinations stopped awhile back. Well, sometimes. I’m not giving you chemical names from the street, or number of years it took me to recover. One of the realities I face is than I’m never fully recovered from any of the drugs I once took. My thought processes are hampered, no matter how one looks at it. I wanted to escape. Now, I wanted to escape the escape.
I seem to have enjoyed hallucinogenic drugs, considering I took three different kinds in my lifetime. Two of them I’ve pursued with vitality, but all this pursuit of young women has never resulted in giving me a wife or family. I have no idea how a person gets those. The fact that I have an hereditary illness just confuses all my attempts to relax and be romantic with a woman.
Women have always read me like a book, too. I’ve gotten so I gave up on finding a relationship sometime ago. I quit, no doubt about it. I’m a confirmed bachelor.