One never knows what’s going to happen next in life. I used to look at that one, common, everyday eventuality, with one continuous horror and dread. That was part of having been traumatized when I was little. Now, I’m looking forward to all the most wonderful adventures in life, as the most marvelous mysteries develop, as the most mind boggling possibilities in life unfold, right before my very eyes, into the most amazing future that any man could ever hope to witness.
I have been praying for a miracle to happen to me, personally, for most of my life. I have always expected the miracle to be something like a beautiful blonde to fall for me, head over heals, or something like that. Well, the love of my life happened to be a beautiful blonde. But that was only the beginning of something a lot more colossal than anything my small mind could ever envision.
I’ve been witness to living a series of miracles befall me for many a year now. I’ve had a lot of traumatic experiences throughout my youth, as well as in my adulthood. I’ve had to give up my attempt to achieve a Bachelor’s Degree, and give up that beautiful blonde, and a marriage that wouldn’t work, before we got entangled in it, too. Those were only the most proper things to do, under the circumstances at the time. But those things were only the most obvious difficulties I had to go through in my young adulthood. That was peanuts compared to the things the Great Spirit has had in store for me since then.
The ordeal had just begun, just like the adventure had just begun.
There were all the mysteries of my forgotten childhood to uncover, too.
Another thing was that I experienced quite a lot of hallucinations and delusions throughout my life. I bombarded my body and mind with all sorts of recreational chemicals, like reefer and LSD. I finally came to the understanding that I was behaving like I wanted to destroy myself, because I wanted to destroy my active memory. It was no way for me to behave. It was my memory that I feared the most. I chose to work at compounding my intoxication as much as was humanly possible, because it crippled my active memory.
I felt threatened by my own memory.
What was more was that I found out that I had reason to feel threatened by my memory.
The time came when I had to become a responsible man and stand up to my past, but did not have to face any of it alone, at all. The Great Spirit was right there with me, speaking to me in my heart, as I walked through all of the most terrible troubles one could possibly imagine. I found out that I had to take responsibility for my own illness and my own recovery, and that meant that I had to face up to the demons in my own, limited memory, and take responsibility for my own responses to the things that had happened to me early on in life.
One of the things about other people that really gets on my nerves the most, is when people come up with some of the most feeble excuses for doing something blatantly self-destructive, or obviously irresponsible, as if the act were premeditated to be irresponsible in the first place. It reminds me too much of the person I happened to be when I was young, myself. I was immensely irresponsible and self-destructive, not to mention self-loathing and self-destructive, until my Higher Power showed me I wasn’t all that bad at being good, and not all that good at being bad.
For instance, I heard of a man who once said he’d been attending the Program of Sobriety for twenty years at the time, and was still getting drunk. All he had to do was reach out to God, but he couldn’t do it. He was obviously depressed and upset. He’d brought the body to the meetings for twenty years, but could not find the miracle in his own heart. A couple of days later, his eight year old daughter found him hanging by the neck, dead, in his own garage. What a tragedy for that innocent little child! She will be blaming herself for her father’s death for the rest of her life – when, in fact, she had nothing whatsoever to do with it.
Another guy I know took a pistol to his temple, and shot himself in the head – and survived! Then, out of sheer self-loathing, that same man put that pistol right between his eyes, and shot himself again – again, he survived. One never knows what the Almighty is going to require us to endure. He only promises us to help us get through whatever comes our way. If we are faithful to do what he asks us to do, He shall stand by us. That second guy is forced to support himself by the labor of his own body, crippled by his own hand. We never know what the Almighty is going to do in response to our behavior. He will hold us responsible for our behavior until we ask for His help, though.
What the Almighty asks for me to do is to avoid intoxication at all costs.
It’s no more complicated than that.
When I took that razor blade to my own wrist, that was being irresponsible and treating myself with malice and self-loathing. When I blamed that act on another human being, that was dishonest, and I refuse to behave like that again, in the sight of God. I have to live with the responsibility of behaving like that toward an innocent human being – myself. I also blamed that behavior on another innocent human being, who had nothing to do with it. I had to face my fear down. I know what it is, and know that it can’t hurt me – or that other person anymore, at least as long as I continue to except responsibility for my own behavior.
I finally realized that what I was afraid of was never going to happen to me, and that it never did happen to me. The things that did happen to me were things I did not have any kind of criminal response to, which was what I was afraid of, and therefore, I am not a monster. I came out of the worst of my troubles as close to being unscathed as any human being could ever hope to make it through such difficulties.
I would hope that person that I treated unfairly and dishonestly, can find it in her heart to forgive me for my bad behavior some day. The way to come face to face with that person again, has been blocked from me, and therefore I can only write her here. My mistreatment of my own body was my own choice and my own responsibility, not hers.
When I chose to mistreat myself, she was nowhere near. She did nothing wrong. How could my self-destructive behavior have been her fault? It doesn’t even make sense. I know what happened and that I compounded my misdemeanor by abusing the feelings of someone else, but heck, I’m human, too. I’m really sorry I spent so much energy involving that innocent person in my own illness.
I knew a beautiful young lady once, who had gone out drinking one night, driving her car around with her best friend, and the two of them were drinking alcohol in her new car. She lost control behind the wheel, and totaled that brand new car. Her best friend died in that auto accident. That beautiful young lady spent a year in jail for vehicular manslaughter.
She was very young.
She was very impressionable.
She reached out to me in the Program of Sobriety, and I told her to go save some kids with her story. I told her that she never had to add any more terrible troubles to her story than the ones she already had. She could tell her story, to young people in public places, in graphic detail, to help herself feel as though she were doing something constructive in loving memory of her best friend.
That girl is going to have to think about that accident for the rest of her days.
I never see the kid anymore, because I moved away.
I hope she’s alright.
I knew a man who put a shotgun in his mouth when he was drunk one night. He pulled the trigger and blew a big hole in the side of his face, and yet, he survived. His face is permanently disfigured because of his momentary, self-destructive behavior, and yet he has to go around his whole world looking like a spectacle for the rest of his life.
He was another one found out he had to go on with life anyway.
There was a woman in the Program who treated my like she thought she had to save me from being alone, but I had to put her off about it. I wasn’t interested in her. It took a major effort to put her off. She thought she was God’s personal gift to me.
I did not reciprocate.
Then there was the man who talked dirty to me about little children in the public areas of my communal living situation where I have to live now. I had to put him off too. I think I can handle maintaining my own sobriety for myself for awhile without the Program. All these desperate people in the Program are people I don’t need in my life. I don’t need all this ruthless rabble hanging around in my life to stir up trouble for me and keep me upset. That doesn’t help me stay sober, which was the basic premise for my attendance of the Program in the first place. It’s just not necessary to subject myself to such ilk, when I happen to be vulnerable to the problems of other people.
I have to be responsible for the stability of my own recovery.