All the time I spent hating myself in my youth was useless. I must admit I wasted many years of my life in senseless self-loathing. It took a lot of a very personal series of interactions with my Higher Power in order for me to believe that my life has purpose and meaning. Sure, I had therapy and medication. They do help, now that I’m not clouding the issue with substances.
I’m not a theologian or a psychologist, and I realize I do too much writing about my personal issues anyway. I hardly know what else to write about. Let’s just say that I have a few, certain quirks which I found within myself as a young man. I spent a lot of time trying to destroy myself, to rid the world of the horrible serge that I believed I was.
I knew some agitators who did their best to make me feel inadequate as a young man, and they were all successful in making me feel inadequate for quite some time. My Higher Power found it necessary to come and speak to my heart personally, over my many years of sobriety, to help me to understand some basic issues about life I had some serious false impressions about for a long time.
For one thing, I was a sexually abused child, and had to move around to a new town every year of my childhood, until I landed, once again, in hostile territory at the age of eleven. The abuse only got worse, long before it got better, and I am still a very confused individual about myself image. But I am improving.
If you’re old enough to remember the Everly Brothers and all their sweet, sappy love songs, you may understand a little bit of what my concept of a successful romantic relationship was when I was a youngster. I used to idolize the old fifties and sixties music, when I was in early adolescence. I internalized their distorted views on relationships. I was a dreamer, and only wanting to have a perfect relationship kept me from having a real life romantic relationship for much of my life.
In fact, I’ve had more than one successful romantic relationship in my lifetime. I’ve only chosen to remain a bachelor out of my own personal preference. Having a chemical imbalance in my brain has rendered me unemployable, to a large extent, for most of my adult lifetime. I figured that if I couldn’t be an asset to a marriage, I shouldn’t be in one. There are people who tell me that’s noble. I’ll tell the reader that there are times I feel a little too lonely to be noble.
I was virtually suicidal on a rather grand scale for many years of my life, until my Higher Power taught me that I would never get anything I wanted by taking my own life. After learning that little piece of useful information from my Higher Power, I began to realize that my self destructive bent was more of a symptom of having been an abused child, than having been any kind of criminal.
In fact, I happen to be a law abiding citizen who believes in treating other people better than I’ve been treated myself. I’ve only been arrested once, and at that it was only a misdemeanor that was dropped summarily, after I spent two and a half years in a state hospital, recovering from having another breakdown subsequent to the arrest. That issue was over a dope deal that went sour.
All the time I spent in state hospitals, I was trying to do life imprisonment in a state hospital on the installment plan, to shelter the world from my own personal quirks. I learned it was certainly a waste of time to do that to myself. Up into my thirties, I was the kind of guy who wanted to be institutionalized, because I thought I was a monster. Well, I’ve never been anything like a monster. I’ve had some recurring thoughts that I find rather unpleasant. That doesn’t make me a monster.
Those stupid hospitals kept discharging me. I kept calling 911, or going to the ER under my own steam, trying desperately to protect society from my simple idiosyncrasies. My Higher Power finally helped me to understand that that sort of behavior is entirely unnecessary. Many people seemed to think I was being way to hard on myself, so I turned over a new leaf when I stopped drinking.
Many of my friends and family have let me know that I happen to be a pretty nice guy, who only needs a little bit of medication adjustment every now and then. Otherwise, I’m not that bad a fella. Well, I didn’t believe it, until my Higher Power helped me to get sober and stay sober. After several years of success with that project, I also found a way to quit smoking, again with my Higher Power’s help. The more I’ve gotten positive ideas from my prayer and meditation life, the more I’ve felt like a whole and complete person. So why not write about it?
I realize that the program which helped my develop my long term sobriety and relationship with my Higher Power, recommends personal anonymity at the level of the press, radio and films, regarding a member’s sobriety, but my entire experience of significance has hinged on the advent of my sobriety. After better that half a century of uninterrupted sobriety, I hardly feel that I’m betraying anything or anyone by being open and honest about the one thing that makes my life worth living.
In fact, in the past year I’ve enjoyed more health and strength than ever before in my lifetime. All of my current success is focused on the fact that I don’t drink alcohol, and have a relationship with my Higher Power. On the writer’s groups online, I occasionally find that someone is offended at my ongoing statement of faith, but I don’t quite know how to make comment on life without mentioning that faith. It’s so much a part of me now, that I want to share my experience, strength and hope in my writing on a regular basis.